You’re watching a romantic movie where the two main characters have just met each other and fallen madly in love. The movie shows them having sex for the first time, and everything is just perfect. They somehow guess each other’s preferences and have multiple orgasms during the night. No awkwardness, no conversations about what’s happening, just a picture-perfect love.

This is the fairy-tale version of sex that happens only on screen. In reality, we often become self-conscious, dissatisfied, and even disappointed when things don’t unfold as they “should.” Such Sexual Perfectionism ruins our perception of relationships. Vanessa Marin, the author, confesses she used to fake pleasure, fixating only on her partner’s experience. This desire to emulate perfect connection is so common that many sacrifice their sincerity and their orgasms.

But when it comes to your sex life, you don’t have to choose between fake perfection or a disappointing reality. A happy medium is attainable through self-discovery and open communication. Start by examining your expectations. Most of our beliefs about sexuality are shaped by our environment—the people we communicate with and the content we consume. What expectations do you have for yourself and your partner? Are they reasonable? Why do you believe that?

Next, figure out your boundaries. Personal boundaries are fundamental in all types of relationships, but especially so in physical ones. How can you define your sexual boundaries? One can draw boundaries around things that don’t sound pleasurable or safe to them. To get more specific, Vanessa Marin suggests a red, yellow, and green light model. Red light stands for anything you would definitely say “no” to. Yellow light is more negotiable, concerning the things you’re unsure about, a “maybe” category. The green light is for the “excited yes” activities on your list.

Thinking of red and green light scenarios is your opportunity to examine what helps your desire grow and what extinguishes it. Did you know there are two types of sex drive? In *Come as You Are*, Emily Nagoski writes about Spontaneous and Responsive types. For the first one, mental desire precedes physical arousal. Conversely, the second, Responsive type, feels physical arousal and only then mental desire. Figure out what best describes you, and you’ll get a better understanding of your sexual preferences.