This could be due to traumatic experiences in the past, low self-esteem, or complexes. In any case, according to numerous studies, people-pleasing hurts mental health and significantly increases the level of stress and anxiety in life.
It's hard to get rid of it, but being aware of the problem and recognizing the destructive signs will help you fight people-pleasing behavior. We have collected eight tips on how to stop being a people-pleaser, which will help you prioritize yourself and remember your value.
1. Accept yourself and don't be afraid to be authentic
How often do you consider what others will think before putting on something or making a decision? Many people constantly sacrifice their authenticity for the acceptance of others. This can make you feel tired and burdened by unrealistic expectations of society.
To get rid of this, stop every time you make a decision and ask yourself, "What do I want?" Don't be afraid to be yourself: study, read, listen, wear what you are interested in. Remember that if other people are not ready to accept this, then they are not your people. By continually changing for the sake of others, you can end up losing yourself completely.
2. Focus on personal growth
Often, we put our activities, interests, and goals on hold to help others. However, your dreams, work, and desires are no less important than anyone else's. That's why you need to learn to value your time and energy and save it for your projects. This will give you confidence and help you prioritize yourself.
To focus more on personal growth, write down your goals in your professional and personal life. For example, you could get a promotion, improve your communication skills, or start your own business. In the future, try to stick to these goals and not compromise them for the sake of others. Read more about how to do this in our The Courage to Be Disliked summary.
3. Define your boundaries and protect them
Have you ever been in a group of friends, and one of them made a bad joke that could have offended you, but you kept quiet so as not to upset anyone? This is one of the most striking examples of people-pleasers because almost all of them have problems defending their boundaries. How can you get rid of this?
Usually, you can't say what you don't like because you're afraid of hurting someone's feelings or making them uncomfortable. However, keeping an offense silent can make you feel bad and show the other person that their behavior is acceptable to you. Remember that there is nothing wrong with saying, "Please don't make that joke; it makes me feel bad," or "I thought your comment about my dress was inappropriate." Sincerity is an integral part of effective communication.
4. Listen to your inner voice
We all have moments when we agree to an offer, but something inside us tells us that this is the wrong path. It's our inner voice that knows our true desires and dreams and wants us to follow them. However, society often does not support this and imposes its opinions and expectations.
To avoid falling into this trap, first of all, listen to your inner voice. Remember that the expectations of others are not your responsibility and you are not obliged to meet them. It's not easy to follow your authentic path, but it fills your life with meaning and brings you joy. By reading our Untamed book summary, you will learn how to hear and follow your inner call.
5. Learn to say no
Remember when someone offered you to go to a movie you didn't like, take a position you didn't need, or take on additional tasks when you were running out of time, and you said yes? Why? You couldn't say no because you were afraid of offending others. In this way, you are again putting other people's interests first.
However, remember your goals and hold on to them. If you don't like something or it doesn't align with what you want to achieve, don't hesitate to say no. It's not true that you lose opportunities by doing so, but rather, you make your dreams and desires possible. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck summary will help you learn this skill.
6. Get rid of toxic people in your environment
Toxic people can have a strong impact on our emotional and psychological health. They often bring negativity into our lives, manipulate us, or constantly criticize us. It is important to recognize such relationships in time and take steps to break them. The first thing to do is identify the toxic person in your environment and why the relationship is harmful.
The second step is to set boundaries and gradually move away from the toxic person. This may not be easy, especially when it comes to close friends or colleagues. It is important to remember that your mental health and well-being come first. Over time, you will find that life without constant negativity and stress becomes much easier and more enjoyable.
7. Don't confuse people-pleasing with help
Of course, learning to put yourself first, defend your boundaries, and say no does not mean becoming selfish. But it's important to learn to distinguish between genuine help and people-pleasing in relationship with others. Genuine help is when you support others, but not to the detriment of yourself. For instance, helping a friend move on a day off, but refusing to help if you feel sick or overworked.
By focusing on genuine help, you develop healthier and more mutually beneficial relationships. People will appreciate you for your sincerity and willingness to help, not just for being a go-to person. This allows you to build stronger bonds based on mutual respect and understanding.
8. Stop apologizing for everything all the time
Constantly apologizing for everything can lower your self-esteem and give the impression that you are not confident. When you apologize for every little thing, it can look like you're taking responsibility for everything, even things that are out of your control. Let’s say you apologize when someone accidentally pushes you in a crowd or when you ask for help at work. This creates the feeling that your needs and feelings are not important.
Instead of apologizing all the time, try using other forms of expressing gratitude and politeness. For example, instead of saying, "I'm sorry to bother you," you could say, "Thank you for your help." This shifts the focus from apology to gratitude and shows that you appreciate the support without diminishing your importance. Once you stop apologizing for every little thing, you will be able to better express your needs and build healthier relationships with others.
People who are constantly trying to please others often sacrifice their own needs and feelings, being people-pleasers. For instance, you always agree to work overtime because you are afraid that your colleagues will no longer respect you, or you always help your friends even when it makes you uncomfortable. Over time, this can lead to a loss of identity and internal burnout. That's why it's vital to know how to protect your boundaries and put your interests first, not to become a chronic people-pleaser.
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