We all want to be good communicators and build deep connections with others. How does one learn that? Apart from speaking well in public and being sincere and confident, a good communicator is, above all, a good listener. You’ll see this mentioned in practically all books or seminars on communication. Listening is key, but there’s nuance to it. You also need to learn to validate the other person.

Simply listening and staying silent while someone else is talking does not guarantee a connection. All people want to get heard and understood. So, how can we communicate that to someone? Imagine a situation when you are sharing exciting news about a promotion and feel as if the other person isn’t really listening. They nod or even reply “That’s great” in a detached tone. And the conversation just goes downhill after that.

Instead, if the person said, “I’m so happy for you! How do you feel about it?” it would open the door to a real, heartfelt exchange. That’s the main difference between simply listening and validating. Validation gives the person space to open up and share the experience with you. Thus, if you want to improve all kinds of relationships, you need to practice validation.

Psychologist John Gottman conducted studies on healthy, lasting relationships in couples. He found that some couples often made small “bids” for connection and responded to them. For instance, if a husband looked out the window and said, “Wow, look at that car!” the wife would respond enthusiastically. Gottman called these engaging responses “turning toward” the bidder, while negative ones, such as ignoring, are called “turning away.” Happier couples turned toward each other 87 percent of the time.

You see, it’s not that the car they look at is significant. This could be anything, from commenting on the weather to a tasty new sauce. What matters here is the reinforced connection, the attention one partner pays to the other. Observing these interactions actually allowed Gottman to predict the couple’s future with up to 94 percent certainty.

Remember about these “bids” for connection when someone tells you something seemingly unimportant. This could be a person’s way of getting the validation they need. The skill of validation can be honed through a lot of practice. In the following chapters, we’ll cover Michael S. Sorensen’s Four-Step Method for improving your interactions with others.