Why are some men perceived as confident and magnetic while others drive potential partners away? You’ve probably noticed that the harder you work to make someone like you, the less interested they seem to become. Neediness is a desperate pursuit of validation that makes you rehearse what you’ll say or carefully calculate each move. In fact, the less you need someone’s approval, the more naturally attractive you become.

When we silence our genuine selves to gain approval, people can sense the insecurity behind it. From an evolutionary standpoint, this makes sense. Throughout history, partners have been drawn to those who display markers of reliability and strength. Someone who doesn’t let other people’s opinions affect them, who stays calm and genuine in any social setting, shows that they have the inner strength to be trustworthy. And vice versa.

Let’s look at two examples of behavior often seen in dating. James becomes emotionally all-in with every interaction. He rearranges his schedule at the whim of others, buys expensive gifts, and nods along to the opinions of others, even when he disagrees. Despite caring for him, women rarely respect James. Why does this happen? James is being too needy; he lacks self-respect and boundaries.

On the other side, there’s Jeff. He is content with his life and unwilling to sacrifice his identity for approval. When he notices a woman is attracted to him, he’ll take her number and ask her out. But if he sees that a woman is not interested, he is not trying to become someone else to win her over. He knows that this wouldn’t be right for him.

The thing is, neediness doesn’t disappear just because you try to hide it. Some men learn tricks and conceal their desperation behind pick-up lines. It may work for a while. They get a few dates, maybe even sleep with a woman or two. But eventually, the underlying neediness surfaces.

That’s why improving your self-perception and self-respect is crucial. You’ve got to become invested in yourself and your own happiness to the point where you inspire others to become equally invested in you. It means developing firm boundaries and high self-esteem, qualities that signal integrity and trustworthiness.