Many of us walk into our adult relationships carrying invisible luggage from the past. These are usually old emotional patterns from childhood that we’ve never quite unpacked. Attachment theory, developed by psychiatrist John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, helps us understand it all. As infants, we cannot meet our own biological or psychological needs, so we turn to our caregivers. When a caregiver reliably reaches back, a child learns that the world is secure. But what if that doesn’t happen?

When that reaching out is not reliably met, children learn to adapt. When caregivers are inconsistent or unsafe, children develop insecure attachment styles. Some begin to turn up the volume by becoming clingy and anxious, hoping someone will pay attention. This is called anxious attachment. Others go in the opposite direction and pull inward, as if saying “I don’t need anyone” — which is avoidant attachment. There’s also a third way, a combination of those two called fearful-avoidant (or disorganized) attachment.

Understanding them is vital for all your adult relationships because that’s where these strategies resurface. In order to avoid being vulnerable, a dismissive person typically keeps partners at a distance. An adult with this attitude would, for instance, “stonewall” during a disagreement to avoid feeling strongly. When a lover doesn’t text back, an anxiously attached individual loses it. They often demonstrate an intense focus on their partners, constantly monitoring for signs of abandonment.

If you’ve recognized your patterns in some of the insecure attachment styles, don’t worry. Attachment styles are simply our survival strategies. Regardless of one’s childhood history, adults can develop an earned secure attachment. Try to approach your anxious hypervigilance or avoidance with genuine curiosity and without shame. Remember that becoming your own safe haven anchors well-being in self-love rather than external validation.