Jill was a high-achieving law student in her early twenties when she met Randy at a nightclub. Very quickly, she became consumed by him. Even though Randy drank constantly and was emotionally absent, Jill leaned in harder. She obsessed over every interaction and took on the role of emotional caretaker while neglecting her studies. Randy didn’t care much for Jill, but for some reason, this only left her wanting more.

Author Robin Norwood explains that Jill was drawn to Randy not in spite of his unavailability, but because of it. Jill believed that she could fix him, while her denial protected her from facing the truth. By thinking, “If I just try harder, do better, love more perfectly…,” many women fall into the trap of self-devaluation. This pattern becomes dangerous when the relationship jeopardizes their emotional well-being or even safety.

But does it mean that Jill’s love was just too intense, too passionate? This obsessive take on love is really popular, but it’s also wrong. Our culture often romanticizes this kind of suffering in songs, movies, and books that portray true love as painful. In reality, if your relationship is mainly characterized by words like “suffering” or “sacrificing,” you must reevaluate it.

When using the words “loving too much,” Norwood doesn’t mean the capacity for deep love. This is the situation in which a woman excuses her partner’s bad behavior and puts up with it, thinking her love will change him. This is when her thoughts revolve around her partner’s moods and problems, and even when her conversations with friends focus almost entirely on him. Though their relationship becomes destructive, the woman mostly blames herself.

Another feature of loving too much is imbalance. A woman invests far more personal resources in the relationship than her partner does. For example, despite financial strain, Jill flew to see Randy twice, enduring long stretches of neglect. During one miserable visit, she spent the whole Sunday watching him drink and ignore her. Even after the devastating moment of seeing Randy on the street with his wife and newborn baby, Jill struggled to let go. Only in therapy was Jill able to see that her fixation was not love but addiction. It was her way of numbing old wounds and avoiding unbearable feelings of helplessness and loss.