According to the attachment theory, there are generally three: anxious, avoidant, and secure. We can't choose our attachment type, but there are some tips for each type that can help you cope with relationship difficulties.
In this article, we will focus on the anxious attachment type. A person with this type of attachment is constantly afraid of losing their partner, looking for confirmation of their love, and is very sensitive to any changes in their loved one's behavior. They often experience a fear of abandonment, which leads to over-analyzing their partner's messages, reactions, and actions. Any delayed message or reduced attention is perceived as threatening the relationship. If you recognize yourself in this description, we have prepared 7 tips to help make your relationship better!
1. Recognize and accept your attachment type
The first step you can take toward working through your insecure attachment style and the misunderstandings that arise from it is to accept the fact that you have an anxious attachment type. Once you define the main source of the problem, it will be much easier to work on solving it or at least mitigate the destructive consequences. As a result, you can build a healthy relationship with an emotionally mature person.
Once you learn about your attachment type, you will better understand yourself and your actions. This does not mean that you will be able to build a healthy relationship right away, but at least you will be able to recognize negative patterns that lead to unhealthy and codependent relationships. In order to see these patterns in time and not repeat them, read our Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents summary.
2. Don't tie your self-worth to your partner's opinion
One of the characteristics of people with anxious attachment is unstable self-esteem, which significantly affects their relationships. If you have this type of attachment, you might have noticed that how much you love and respect yourself depends on how your partner treats you. However, in a healthy relationship, this is not normal, and each partner should value themselves regardless of external circumstances.
Also, rejections often greatly impact the self-esteem of people with anxious attachments. If you have the courage to confess your feelings to a person you like and are rejected, this does not determine your value. Before entering into a relationship, work on your inner world and self-esteem.
3. Don’t change yourself to please someone
People with anxious attachment are ready to do anything to make their partner feel comfortable, often ignoring their own needs and desires. Of course, in any relationship, it is important to be able to find a compromise, and sometimes, this requires concessions from partners. However, these concessions should be equal on both sides. If you sacrifice yourself much more than your partner, it will not have a good impact on the relationship as a whole.
So, be yourself whether you are in a relationship or not. If your partner doesn't like your job, hobbies, or your plans for the future don't match, talk to your partner and explain why it's important to you before making such big concessions and changing them. It’s the best relationship advice, and it will help you feel comfortable.
4. Work on trust in the relationship
All the worries and oversharing come from problems with trust in your partner. What if he doesn't love me as much as he used to? If he didn't respond to one of my messages, does it mean he's not interested in me anymore? He spends so much time at work. Maybe he just doesn't want to spend that time with me. These and a thousand similar questions are very common for people with anxious attachments.
Moreover, these questions often arise without objective reasons, but are a consequence of oversharing. As a result, we create and exaggerate certain difficulties in our minds and, instead of sharing them with our partner, we start testing them for the “strength of feelings.” However, such methods are ineffective for building healthy relationships. Instead of constantly checking your partner's loyalty, learn to trust their words and actions.
5. Be ready to accept loneliness
The biggest fear of people with anxious attachment is being abandoned. This is what pushes them into codependent and sometimes toxic relationships. Have you ever noticed that when you are alone without a relationship, you feel uncomfortable and have a strong need to get into a relationship as soon as possible? If so, don't be discouraged, because we have a solution!
The answer to the question of how to cope with the fear of loneliness is actually straightforward — get involved in your life and make every effort to improve it. Find hobbies, socialize with friends, and build independence so you don't focus your entire life on relationships. By doing this, you will see how beautiful your life is and build strong inner support.
6. Choose a partner with a secure attachment type
It is difficult to have an anxious attachment type, but it is also challenging to be in a relationship with someone who does not reproduce secure attachment style patterns of behavior. We're not talking about relationships with equally anxious people, because people with anxious attachments rarely get along. Anxious people are highly attracted to partners with an avoidant, or opposite, type of attachment.
Why does this happen? This problem has its roots in our childhood when we did everything to earn the love of emotionally cold parents. That's how we are attracted to people whose love needs to be “won.” However, it is unlikely that you will be able to build a healthy relationship with such a person because you will constantly be playing catch-up. The avoidant partner will hide his feelings and run away, while the anxious one will try hard to catch up. To learn more about this topic, we recommend reading our Attached by Amir Levine summary.
7. Work through fear of abandonment and childhood trauma
A person with an anxious attachment type often thinks: “If I'm abandoned, I won't be able to cope,” which leads to over-dependence on the partner and fear of losing even a toxic relationship. To deal with this fear, it is important to realize that your well-being does not depend on another person. Practice self-support: write down your achievements, and remind yourself that you have already overcome difficult situations in your life.
You should also work with attachment traumas. If you were unloved or abandoned in the past, it doesn't mean that all people will do the same. Realize that your past does not determine your future. Working on your emotional health will help you relieve tension, reduce your fear of loneliness, and learn to build relationships on trust, not panic.
8. Allow yourself to be happy
People with an anxious attachment type often unconsciously create tension in relationships, thinking that love must be constantly won. Because of this, they dwell on problems, analyze every little thing, and even provoke conflicts to get confirmation that their partner will not leave them. Happiness is about not constantly checking or fighting for attention but about the ability to relax and enjoy the moments.
Learn to notice the good things and feel secure in relationships and life in general. Keep a gratitude diary, focus on pleasant moments, and develop hobbies that bring you pleasure. Happiness is not a reward for a perfect relationship but a state that you can cultivate on your own. Allow yourself to be happy even without a specific reason, and look for ways to fill your life with positive emotions rather than anxiety.
Anxious attachment can make relationships difficult, but it's not a sentence. The key is to realize your fears, work on your independence, and learn to trust both yourself and your partner. Life shouldn't revolve only around relationships — it's crucial to develop your interests, maintain emotional balance, and learn to enjoy not only love but also yourself.
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