The avoidant attachment type is formed in childhood when parents are emotionally cold, demand independence from the child, or do not respond to the child's needs for support. Avoidant partners usually value autonomy and freedom but may have difficulty being emotionally open. In relationships, they often distance themselves, are reluctant to share feelings, and may feel overwhelmed or even run away when their partner tries to get closer. If you recognize yourself in this, let's look at tips to help you build a healthy relationship!
1. Understand that independence doesn’t equal isolation
Very often, in the pursuit of independence, people with a fearful attachment style distance themselves from their partner and choose isolation. However, isolation is not about freedom, it is about separating yourself from your loved ones, which can be painful for you and them. Nevertheless, this is the first reaction that people with an avoidant attachment style have when it comes to opening up about their feelings.
You may feel that revealing your feelings to someone and letting them into your intimate space will violate your boundaries and take away your independence. However, intimacy doesn't mean loss of freedom, but instead can be a source of support. Work on your trust and sharing your feelings with others.
2. Take small steps toward openness
People with an avoidant attachment style find it extremely difficult to open up about their emotions, fears, and experiences to other people. After all, they think that this will make them vulnerable and weak in the eyes of others. This will be different from the picture of an independent and self-sufficient person that they usually demonstrate. However, you can take small steps right now to help you become more open.
You don't have to talk about your deepest fears or traumas right away, but the best relationship advice here is to start with simple things: sharing how your day went, and what makes you happy or annoyed. At first, this may seem awkward or even threatening, but gradually you will see that your partner does not push you away because of your vulnerability, but rather becomes closer.
3. Work through your fear of dependence
Avoidant people are often afraid that if they allow themselves to be too attached to their partner, they will lose control of their lives. This can manifest in refusing to make serious commitments, avoiding conversations about the future, or even sudden disappearances when the relationship becomes too intense. You can learn more about it in our Attached summary.
Try to change your mindset: emotional intimacy is not a prison, but an opportunity to get support. Relationships can be a resource, not a threat. You don't have to lose yourself to be with someone — a healthy connection involves a balance between independence and mutual support.
4. Learn to openly tell your partner about your needs
One of the traits that unites people with anxious and avoidant attachment is that they cannot openly talk about their problems and needs to their partners. However, the reaction to this discomfort is different for both types: anxious people overshare and try to bring out the other partner's emotions to test the “strength of their feelings,” while avoidant people choose to simply withdraw and run away.
Instead of silently withdrawing, learn to explain to your partner what you need and maintain effective communication. Let’s say, if you need space after a hard day, don't disappear without explanation — just say: “I need some time to myself, but I appreciate you.”
5. Learn to accept support
What often seems like a “violation of their freedom” to people with an insecure attachment style may simply be a manifestation of love and support. That is why, instead of running away from this support, learn to see and accept it. Emotional support is an important part of a healthy relationship and brings you closer to your partner. Read more on how to do it in our Love Sense summary.
Start small: when your partner offers help or support, don’t automatically say, “I'll manage,” say, “Thank you, that will really help me.” Over time, you will see that trusting others and allowing yourself to be taken care of isn't scary but rather enjoyable.
6. Pay attention to your triggers
To avoid letting avoidant attachment trauma complicate your life, learn to recognize the destructive patterns you repeat every time. Examples of these patterns include pulling away from your partner, devaluing their feelings, and being emotionally unavailable. To better understand your triggers, try to record the moments when you feel like pulling away from your partner.
Avoidant people often don't even notice what makes them withdraw from a relationship. It could be their partner's requests for more attention, discussing the future, or even getting too emotionally close. At such moments, an internal defense mechanism is activated, and you may suddenly feel the urge to distance yourself or even break off the relationship.
7. Remember that intimacy is a mutual choice
One of the main fears of avoidant people is that intimacy means losing control. But in reality, healthy relationships are built on mutual choice, not coercion. You can be in a relationship and still be yourself. Learn more about this in our Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents summary.
Remember: true freedom is not about avoiding attachment, but about being able to build relationships without fear. You don't have to change your personality to be in a relationship, but you can learn to open up and trust those who are worth it.
8. Share your struggles with a therapist
Since people with avoidant attachment styles have a hard time opening up about their feelings to others, one of the best options in this case is to work with a therapist. If you are having a hard time changing your behavior patterns on your own, don’t be afraid to seek professional help. Psychotherapy can help you understand why you are afraid of intimacy and teach you how to build healthier relationships.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), or attachment-focused therapy, can be especially helpful. This doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you — it just means you are willing to work on yourself to improve the quality of your relationships.
People with an avoidant attachment type often perceive intimacy as a threat, but it can be a resource if you learn how to interact with it properly. Healthy relationships aren’t about sacrifices or loss of freedom but about a balance between independence and support. We hope that these tips will help you to build relationships with a secure attachment style.
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