There are six types of boundaries: physical, sexual, intellectual, emotional, material, and time boundaries – most of which will apply to your relationship with your parents. As children grow into adults, the relationship between them and their parents gradually evolves, which requires new rules and new forms of communication.
1. Look out for signs that you need boundaries with your parents
The first step in setting boundaries with parents is recognizing when they are needed. The book Set Boundaries, Find Peace lists a number of such signs. For example, boundaries might be due if your parents are aware of intimate details of your life and relationships, don’t respect your opinion, enter your space without asking for permission, and cause you harm with their actions.
Other signs can include feeling guilty for spending time on yourself, having trouble saying “no” to your parents’ demands, or inability to make decisions without consulting them first.
If you relate to any of these, consider whether your boundaries with your parents might be too weak or even non-existent.
2. Express your boundaries clearly
How to Do the Work book emphasizes the need for setting clear boundaries. It might be uncomfortable, especially if you’ve never previously set healthy boundaries with your parents, but it’s necessary. Vague statements can just lead to further misunderstandings.
What do clear boundaries look like? If your parents are invading your space without permission, you might say, “Before you stop by my house, I’d like you to call and notify me.” Or, if your parents are trying to impose themselves on your relationship with your partner, say something along the lines of “I understand that you mean well, but I prefer to handle things in my relationship on my own, without your input.”
3. Remember that having boundaries is healthy
Even if your parents seem skeptical and you’re unsure if they’ll understand, have an open and honest conversation with them. Talk to them about why boundaries are important for you and how they will benefit the relationship. You should also make it clear that setting boundaries doesn’t mean that you love or respect your parents any less. Some parents will have trouble understanding the concept of boundaries and might even guilt trip you for having them.
However, it’s important to remember that setting boundaries is not selfish in any way. Boundaries help protect both your well-being and the health of your relationship with your parents. They are a sign of mutual respect and understanding in a parent-child relationship.
4. Don’t be afraid to say “no”
Have you ever felt like you’re obliged to say “yes” to your parents even when you really don’t want to? If so, then this tip is for you.
The ability to say “no” without guilt can be one of the most challenging aspects of setting boundaries, especially if your parents are used to you agreeing to everything and expect you to do so constantly. However, you should find the courage to put your foot down. Assert your personal needs by saying “no” to requests that make you uncomfortable in any way. This can mean refusing to discuss certain topics, declining invitations to family gatherings, or refusing visits from parents when you’re busy.
6. Communicate if your boundaries are crossed
Even when you express your boundaries clearly, your parents might cross them from time to time. It’s important to address the issue directly but calmly. If they did so on accident, simply remind them about the boundaries and softly ask them to follow them next time.
If your boundaries were crossed intentionally, especially if it’s not the first time around, you might have to be more strict and vocal about it. Still, address the situation calmly. Explain that crossing that boundary made you uncomfortable and that you will not tolerate any future violations.
7. Take a step back if you’re unsure
There might be situations where you’re uncertain if you’re being too harsh or too soft with your boundaries. The Real Self-Care book states that it’s alright to not make a decision right away. It can actually be helpful to take a step back and rethink the situation.
For instance, your parents showed up on your doorstep unannounced once again. Instead of reacting impulsively, take five minutes to yourself and reflect on how you feel about it. This can help you make the decision on how you’re going to enforce your boundary without being so harsh that you offend them and so soft that they do it again.
8. Be consistent with your boundaries
If you want to maintain your boundaries, consistency is indispensable. If you’re consistent about it, people around you, including your parents, will have clear expectations about where you draw the line. Moreover, it shows that you’re serious about your boundaries and will not tolerate your parents crossing them.
At first, consistency might be one of the most difficult aspects of setting boundaries. Sometimes, you’ll feel like you’re being too harsh or too selfish. From time to time, you might be tempted to give in to your parents’ demands, even if it makes you uncomfortable. But remember that only consistent enforcement can help you normalize boundaries in the relationship between you and your parents.
9. Be prepared to some degree of resistance
It’s normal for parents to be wary of any change in your relationship dynamic. Especially if they’re not used to boundaries, they might think that you’re pushing them away, and they’re going to lose you because of it. What you should do here is explain your stance once again and reassure them, but stay firm about your decisions. Furthermore, give them some time to adjust to the change – sometimes, that’s all it takes.
Setting and maintaining boundaries with your parents is crucial for fostering a healthy and mutually respectful relationship. It helps protect your mental well-being while honoring your love and connection with your parents. Although it can be challenging in the beginning, setting healthy boundaries is the biggest favor that you can do for both yourself and your parents because it ensures that your relationship remains strong.
What you should keep in mind is that setting boundaries isn’t selfish and disrespectful in any way. You’re not pushing your parents out of your life; you’re simply drawing the line at things that make you uncomfortable. By recognizing when boundaries are needed, expressing them clearly, communicating when something goes wrong, and being consistent with them, you can navigate this aspect of your adult life together with your parents. Setting boundaries can be a difficult journey, but it is sure one worth making!
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