According to Mark Goulston, the author of Just Listen, effective dialogue happens when we engage the rational brain. Our brain has three layers: the reptilian brain, the mammalian brain, and the rational brain. The first one is our survival center. It makes quick decisions, like fight, flee, or freeze. For example, when you’re having a conflict, but instead of words, you go into fighting mode. The mammalian brain controls emotions, like joy, anger, and fear, shaping our reactions. Its work is visible when you react to the situation with emotions, but not objectively. Finally, the rational brain is the thinker. It analyzes, plans, and makes logical decisions. Each plays a role in how we react and communicate.
So, how do we master the balance between the three of them and improve our conflict management?
Express your emotions eloquently
Have you ever heard of nonviolent communication? It’s at the heart of Marshall B. Rosenberg’s book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, and there is hardly any other strategy that helps build such strong connections. First things first, your ability to express your emotions healthily can spare you a lot of trouble. More about emotions in our summary of Emotional Intelligence.
But we are not writing this article just to promote our summaries. Here is some advice on how to handle conflict at work with the help of nonviolent communication. You must be specific in describing your point of view and the emotion you experience. For example, instead of telling your co-worker, “I feel like you are ignoring me,” try this: “Last week, I asked you to look through my comments on the project, but you still haven’t. Yesterday, I asked you for help, but you left my request unanswered. All of these incidents make me feel like you don’t appreciate me.” This will let your coworker understand the reason and emotions behind the conflict.
Take time to understand the emotions of others
Yet it’s not only your emotions that must be understood. Ask yourself, what does the other side of the conflict need and feel? Then, check if your intention is genuine. You are not there to manipulate the other person or win the argument. So, let this person know about it. This way, you both will be able to understand each other better and find common ground. Finally, make your requests specific and reasonable, and address the needs of both parties. Conflict resolution isn’t the easiest task, but as soon as you are ready, willing, and able to put in some effort, it becomes more achievable.
Criticize with respect
Conversation is part and parcel of every conflict unless you burst into tears and run away or start fighting head-on. Try making your interlocutor feel respected and acknowledged. One way of doing that is by mentioning their good performance. This approach helps them feel valued and less likely to react emotionally. If you need more tips for having a healthy conversation in high-stress situations and using conflict management strategies, check out our summary of Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High.
Assess situations objectively
Ever been in a situation when you or another person definitely overreacted? Usually, our reaction is based on our understanding of a situation rather than facts. To interpret the situation better, you should pause and reflect on another person’s words or actions. Look at the current case objectively before ranting and raving about it. In fact, one of the most important conflict resolution skills is avoiding useless conflicts.
Perhaps when your co-worker said, “Your part of the project is lacking. You didn’t work enough on it,” they didn’t mean to offend you but merely stated that you underperformed this time. Always try to analyze the facts and develop a logical explanation. This might help you avoid turning your conversations into loud arguments.
Solve conflicts with negotiation techniques
The next recommendation comes from the negotiation field and the amazing book Getting to Yes. You can definitely use it in the stage of conflict when you want to understand each other’s standpoint. Start by presenting your motives and listening to your interlocutor’s motives. Don’t take a standpoint right off the bat, because the next stage is invention. You shouldn’t assume that the only correct solution is yours. Use objective standards when looking for conflict resolution in the workplace.
For instance, your co-worker believes you must change the design of your company’s logo. You think otherwise, which grows into a heated argument. Calm down, and ask why your co-worker is so adamant about it. Try finding out why you are so opposed to changing the logo. Is there a logical reason for that? If both your co-worker’s and your positions are justified, go for assessing objective criteria: how recognizable your logo is or how much it’ll cost to change it, etc. This way, the decision is objective and fair to both parties.
All types of conflict are unique, and we need to approach them carefully. So, do not let your calm work atmosphere descend into chaos. Follow these 5 recommendations, read the books mentioned in the article or our summaries of these books, and tailor the approaches and techniques you learn there specifically for your conflict.
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