Do you know your love language?
Whether you are in a monogamous or polyamorous relationship, you still need to understand your and your partner’s love languages. Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages could be your manual on how to do that, but to cut it short, the five love languages are acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, receiving gifts, and physical touch. Bear in mind that to define your love language, you should think about what things you ask from your partner — a new phone, a dinner together, or perhaps a hug when you show up at home.
Conversely, you could consider moments when you wanted something from your partner, but they never gave you that. Maybe they just didn’t understand your love language? A final tip is to think about your parents and the way they expressed their love. As soon as you are sure about your love language or even your partner’s, move on to some relationship rules.
Reach out to listen to your partner
For any relationship, communication skills are a must, but you shouldn’t forget about listening skills. As a couple gets closer, it can become more and more difficult to listen to each other. It’s true not only about couples, though. The world-famous Microsoft Corporation studied our attention span and found that it had decreased from twelve seconds to eight since 2000.
So, here is one recommendation for you — try to understand what the story your partner tells means to them. Just listen, don’t minimize the person’s experience with comments like "Don't worry, you'll get it next time" or "It's not worth the stress.” Ask how your partner feels after the situation, as it will validate their experience. If you’re interested in this topic, check out our summary, You’re Not Listening.
Don’t avoid rocking the boat
It’s easy to get caught up in conflicts and start avoiding them, but even in the healthiest relationship, there is room for conflict. As a good partner, you have to focus on what your partner feels and the problem itself rather than insulting each other. Once the conflict brings you closer, you’ve solved it successfully. Also, make it your default rule to argue just about one thing at a time. Reminding your partner of being late home last Friday in the heat of an argument might be a bad idea. Learn how to handle conflicts better in our summary Attached, which can be a great guide to different attachment styles, too.
Broach the subject of sex in your relationship
Sex life is considered to be an integral part of relationships. While it’s great when your and your partner’s sex drives coincide, to find it out, you need to have a conversation. In Come As You Are, Emily Nagoski states that when it comes to intimacy, our brain has two different functions: a sexual gas pedal that is activated by sexual stimulation and sexual brakes that are activated when there are signs of danger. Check out if your partner feels comfortable with the amount of sex, communicate your desires, and listen to theirs. Finally, remember that stress and anxiety can make people reluctant to have sex.
Don’t be afraid to break up if needed
You may feel obligated to do certain things in relationships and start setting unrealistic expectations for yourself, like finding unconditional love. But what if you realize that the relationship you are in falls to the side? Prepare for a difficult conversation and set up a good time for it. Splitting up on your partner’s birthday will be an awful idea, right? Your role as a partner is to articulate everything you want to say and not to be the Nice Breakup Person. Don’t stay in touch with your ex-partner because of guilt; instead, focus on improving your life. To get more advice on this topic, here’s our summary: How to Not Die Alone.
Try to find balance in differences
The next relationship rule is that a strong bond doesn’t mean identical views. Instead, you should strive to understand and respect your partner’s values and role in the relationship. Take time to discuss with your partner how each of you sees your roles and how they complement one another. Another tip is to find a common goal. Firstly, ask yourself what you want to achieve in the next 5 years. Be it buying a car or having a world cruise, share it with your partner. Then, ask them the same question.
There is much more marriage advice in our summaries: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and Marriage Be Hard.
Communicate, communicate, and communicate
Fierce Love by Susan Scott mentions a lot of myths connected with love and relationships. One of which is that if your partner truly cared for you, they would understand. You might feel irritated when your partner doesn’t get you when you are already spread thin after a long day at work. Communicating your feelings and desires to your partner makes it easier to address concerns. But be careful with the way you do it — your best choice is to be compassionate and considerate of your partner’s feelings. As Susan Scott puts it: “While no single conversation is guaranteed to change the trajectory of a relationship, any single conversation can.”
Building strong relationships is indeed an art. Hopefully, these few tips will help you make a difference in your relationship. Remember to listen and communicate, express your love, seek common goals, and, finally, deal with conflicts and put an end to the relationship if needed.
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